I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
they need to just BURY HIM!
Quick, to the slutcave!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
