he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
