we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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