apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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