i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
