Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
