as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just gift wrapped bread.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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