The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
