I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
