Taylor Swift is so right about you.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Two words: blizzard sex
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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