I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
