guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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