she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
