I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Barsexuality is the new black.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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