I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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