yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
