Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
