Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
