At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
