Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
