then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
