Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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