i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
