If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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