Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
