I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
