I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was like eating out sand paper
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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