If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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