i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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