I have demons in me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
