I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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