I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
