you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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