HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
