i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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