woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
