My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
