What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
