I can tuck mytits in my pants
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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