I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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