Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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