This is not my ceiling
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
