All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
