I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
