I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
