My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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