I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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