i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
