Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
