Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
