My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
