eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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