Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
