i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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