I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
