I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
